I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
