i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Randomize
