and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
the room spins SO much faster in panama
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
