when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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