Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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