I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
