my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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