dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
