i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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