For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
