You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
