if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
