i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Someone stole a lamp last night.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
