well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
