You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
