I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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