We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
