You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
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