I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
