I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
