I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
