I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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