The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
