Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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