I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
