someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
