I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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