I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
