What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
