I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
