piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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