I can text with my tongue
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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