Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I need to wash the frat house off of me
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
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