i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
