You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
