This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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