my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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