two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I need to stop coming to work sober
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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