Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
It's official drugs can't kill me
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
