It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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