True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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