I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
