we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
