So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
