im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
