did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
