yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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