better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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