he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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