My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
