Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
