Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
